I’m preparing for the “season finale” of Skillet and Flask, and since I seem so enamored with breakfast, I’ve decided to make the last one The Chicken Fried Breakfast Episode. I know—I still owe the Mac and Cheese Episode and the Unnamed Breakfast Episode, but they are coming. See? Totally enamored with breakfast. Next season will be different, I promise.
I don’t have any loose ends with the two upcoming episodes, and it’s a damned good thing, because hashbrowns have been consuming all my bandwidth. I’m like that. I obsess over something to the exclusion of all else in my quest for mastery. The real trick these days is finding something I actually want to master. But once that switch flips, I’m strapped in and riding it out. Which is how I spent the last four days making eighteen batches of hashbrowns.
When I think hashbrowns, I think diner-style: scattered, grated potato, crispy and golden brown on the outside, creamy potato goodness within. They’re all about balance.
I’m not ashamed to admit McDonald’s has the best commercial hashbrown balance—assuming they’re not over- or undercooked. Good crispy crust to inner moisture ratio. Really the only reason I ever go there. Well, maybe a sausage McMuffin with egg. Those are nice, when properly executed. But I’m not trying to make hashbrown pucks, no matter how much I enjoy them. I want what I get at Denny’s or Waffle House—but made with fresh potatoes. I have an online cooking show to do, after all.
Normally, when I want diner-style hashbrowns, I just grab the frozen, shredded potatoes from the grocery store and get on with my life. Not sure what makes them different—probably par-cooked and starchy as hell—but they work. I was afraid I’d have to use them for The Chicken Fried Breakfast Episode, but patience and proper application of the scientific method have allayed that fear. Woohoo.
Back when I worked the flat top for the breakfast run, we never used fresh potatoes. They always came frozen and pre-shredded in a five-pound brown bag from Sysco, and they worked very well. You splooge some oil on the hot metal, let it shimmer, toss on a handful of potatoes, and go cook something else. Flip them when the edges brown, finish the other dish, plate, and repeat. Perfect for breakfast service.
Doing them at home with fresh potatoes? Whole different animal. Except it's really not.
Like most things, it starts with a vision and some research. The vision: fresh potatoes, grated, fried crispy on the outside, moist on the inside. The research: the internet. Looking back, that second part was a huge mistake. But I get tunnel vision and assumed I didn’t know enough to pull this properly.
Hashbrown methods are like assholes: everyone has one, and they’re all rife with wrinkles. None of the ones I tried actually worked—at least not in my kitchen. And that’s the important bit: my kitchen, my equipment. Some of the videos turned out decent products. Some were outright lies, barely disguised by clever editing. Fuckers.
There’s one guy on YouTube, The Flat Top King, who put out the most honest video I saw. He tried 28 different versions, earned my respect, and almost had me wanting a flat top of my own—almost. I’ve cleaned too many of those bastards. But he reminded me to go with what I know and not worry about anything or anyone else. Thanks, Stranger on the Internet. Not only for the reminder, but for not trying to meet me and wear my skin.
1. Peel your potatoes. I don’t care how much I like the skins—they interfere with the texture.
2. Fuck rinsing. Just grate them into water to keep them from oxidizing.
3. Squeeze them hard in cheesecloth to remove excess moisture. Moisture is the enemy of crispy.
4. Doming is stupid. Did I mention moisture is the enemy of crispy?
5. Use whatever pan you’re used to. I tried cast iron, ceramic non-stick, stainless, and enameled cast iron.It did not matter.
6. Get the pan to around 400°F before adding fat. Use more fat than seems reasonable.
7. Work in small batches.
8. Spread the potatoes out in the pan.This isn't a hashbrown puck or a potato pancake.
9. These will be greasy. Deal with it.
10. Ignore them until the edges brown. Then ignore them a little longer.
11. Flipping is easier on a flat top with a proper flipper.
12. They don’t need to be perfectly uniform—just balanced: crispy to creamy.
13. Serve immediately. They should be the last thing plated.
It’s so easy to forget what you already know. At least for me. I refer to this period of my life as “Algernon.” Ultimately, there’s no real difference between fresh and frozen potatoes, aside from convenience and a little more uniformity. The same rules still apply: high heat, lots of fat, passive aggression, a flip, more passive aggression—and serve.
Now go cook something.
