It’s May 17, 2025. Nine days since I decided I would do kolaches for the next episode of Skillet and Flask. The why’s are fairly simple. Since I do all my filming in the pre-dawn hours, I’m a little tired of making dinner food at breakfast time. I wanted breakfast. But being “Lord of the Savory Breakfast”, I really didn’t want to make anything sweet. Sweet first thing in the morning throws off my mojo. I should probably get that checked.
Another reason I went with kolaches is Beef Wellington. I have a friend who brings it up more frequently than I think is normal in regular conversations and I get the impression he would really dig it if I did one. I’m not going to. Not ever. Two reasons.
First, I’m not a fan. It’s too fussy and pretentious for too little payoff. I’m already spending a lot of time (and money) worrying about food styling. That’s not what AnotherDamnFoodBlog or Skillet and Flask are about.
The second reason is PTWD – Post Traumatic Wellington Disorder. Here’s what you need to know.
- I taught workforce cooking classes at my local community college for a while.
- There was a Christmas dinner we did.
- Beef Wellington was involved.
- We had a much greater turnout than expected.
- We were being filmed for the college’s public access channel.
- The students on the Wellington were overzealous about serving it and didn’t let it rest long enough before cutting.
- I may have shouted “Holy fuck! Look at all that red fluid. Someone get me a Tampax.”
- The ensuing exchange may have gone out over the air.
Enough said.
Kolaches, at least the kind we have down here, are clearly in the same family as Wellingtons, but from a totally different branch on the family tree. A kolache, down here in the Houston area, is a glorified pig in a blanket. A link of sausage, encased in traditional kolache dough and baked. Like a self-contained hot dog.
It’s also worth noting that what we call a kolache really isn’t. A true kolache, as anyone who grew up around the city of West, Texas will tell you (often and without asking), is a little, round, rich pastry with a blob of fruit in the middle, baked open faced. They are originally a Czech invention and were popularized in central Texas by the Czech immigrants who settled the area. A traditional kolache is an amazing thing to experience. Light, fluffy, sweet – just delightful – and sadly, sausage free.
What we call a kolache down here, does exist in Czech cuisine, but it’s called a klobasnek and is made with much smaller sausage - in all the ways that matter, it’s a pig in a blanket. But I have a memory which I acknowledge might be a confabulation.
When I was 8, we moved to a small town North of Houston with a population around 800. The town still exists, but it’s largely a giant strip mall now. Very depressing to drive through. People everywhere, not a single human soul amongst them. Back then, it was basically the remnants of a Polish settlement: Very rustic. Very rural. Very human.
The memory I have is of buying what they called a “sausage kolache” for breakfast at school. In that memory, it bore no resemblance to a pig in a blanket, but was instead a slice of kielbasa, jammed into a blob of dough and baked, sausage exposed, bread absorbing the grease as it cooked. In my memory, it was amazing, but I can only remember having it once because the next time it had been replaced by the klobasnek style.
From a food service perspective, I can’t feature why. The effort required to cut up a sausage and squash a slice into a blob of dough is considerably less than wrapping a sausage.
Fast forward to now and kolaches continue to evolve. Since Katrina, it’s fairly common to see the sausage replaced with boudin, which you’d think I’d enjoy, but I don’t. It’s too many competing good things.
Hell, a chain store, “The Kolache Factory” is now a thing and most of what they do is encase anything they find into a blob of dough. I’m particularly fond of their “Ranchero Kolaches” which, of course, are not kolaches at all. Doesn’t stop them from being tasty, though.
For my kolaches, which will eventually be presented in what I’m calling, “The Kolache Episode”, I will be going back to the original Czech style, but with a twist. I’ll make several with apple filling for the wife. She’s from central Texas and has expectations. I respect that.
I will also be making some true sausage kolaches, that is to say, no pigs in blankets, but kolaches filled with a couple different sausage arrangements. Very nice indeed.
I’ve actually done one shoot already for “The Kolache Episode” and to be honest, it was kind of a disaster. I was in a rush, doing it after work. Huge mistake. Also, my afternoon voice isn’t as nice as my morning voice. The klobasnek styles over cooked whilst I yammered on about the fruit and sausage kolaches.
Video production issues aside, I also want to make certain the recipe is tight. The test versions, scaled for home production, have had too much variation in them. A product that isn’t reproducible every time is not a product. It’s a custom job.
Right now, as I write this, I have another version of the dough in the proofer and if I’m honest, there have been so many batches, I don’t care if I ever see a kolache or klobasnek ever again. But I sell these recipes and if they don’t work, then there’s very little point to Another Damn Enterprise. So another damn recipe vetting and, assuming it’s good to go, I’ll do another damn shoot in the next couple of days.
Cheers, ya’ll.
