I enjoy a good, long cross-country drive. It’s practically a requirement as a Texan. While we may not be as enormous as we like to claim, we’re still pretty big. Every time I drive across the Sabine River into Louisiana on I-10, I’m amazed that El Paso is on the same highway, 880 miles away. That’s at least a 12-hour drive—if I'm lucky and don’t make any stops. Your mileage may vary.

When my son was in college in Dallas, I got so used to the drive that I could practically do it in my sleep. Not an ideal state to be in, of course, but thankfully there was always coffee. Unfortunately, now that I’m older, coffee’s secondary effects aren’t as conducive to long, non-stop drives. That’s okay, though, because energy drinks have become my new go-to.

I’m a huge fan of Monster Ultra Peachy Keen. I love the artificial peach flavor, the fact that it’s only 10 calories, and, of course, all those ingredients that end in “ine.” It’s a predictable beverage—I know exactly how my body will react. I call it the “Five Stages of Energy Drinks.” If I time it right, I can “ride the wave” all the way to my destination, which is always the goal.

Stage 1: Elation

There’s this weird sensation about 5 minutes after I’ve finished my can of Monster. I’m driving along, minding my business and I suddenly just feel better. Not that I was feeling bad prior to that, I just have this overwhelming sense of wellbeing and good will toward everyone around me. I start thinking things like, “You know, I’m rather enjoying this traffic. It’s the challenge, really. Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I hate to pass you but you’re blocking traffic. Have you tried energy drinks? They’re wonderful.”

Stage 2: Velocity

My thoughts speed up. DangerVan probably does, too. My brain starts looking for connections to thoughts and bringing them into alignment with what I believe and vice versa. “Yeah, that’s it. It’s OK to eat meat. It doesn’t contradict the non-aggression principle. All life consumes and converts the life energy of plants and animals into energy the consumer requires. It’s inescapable. It’s about conservation of energy. It’s just transferred from one to another. We are just energy circulating itself.” Or some shit like that. It’s fun. I get to pretend I’m bright again.

Stage 3: Anxiety

“But if we’re just energy, circulating itself, doesn’t the Second Law of Thermodynamics mean we are dissipating ourselves over time? And what about individuality? Is that just an illusion? What the hell is it for? My left arm feel weird. Is this a heart attack? Has the Universe noticed I know? Fuck! I’ve asked the wrong questions. It knows! We are one! Why am I sweating so much? Is this it?”

Stage 4: Irritability

“Why is it so hot in this car? It’s like driving a terrarium. Nice fucking stick figure family, slow moving ass hat! Haven’t you heard of condoms? Conservation of energy? You’re spreading your energy too thinly. They will use you up. That’s it. I’m passing y… Goddamnit! Fucking tractor! Road debris! Sonofabitch! Quit looking at me! Yeah, that’s right. You just got owned by a fat guy in a mini-van! Why is it so hot?!?!?!?!?!”

Stage 5: Algernon

“Now. What was I thinking? Oh, yeah. Energy drinks. Spreading them around. Stick figure families are fun. “Ford” is a funny word. Damn. I think that bit was worth remembering. Now, what? Oh, yeah. Driving. I think I need new glasses, I can’t be sure. Dog. I was going to say something. I can’t remember...

Spleen.”

The last stage is the worst. I just get so stupid, so quickly. And it’s why I buy that second can.