Weasel Words: As with all of my reviews, this is what I think. I am neither endorsing nor rejecting the product reviewed. I don’t have a vested interest in what you do with your money, unless you want to give it to me either out of the kindness/perverseness of your heart or in exchange for goods and/or services. I am not affiliated with the producers of the reviewed product nor am I compensated in any way. I paid for the product just like you would.

So here’s what happened. I’m cruising around on Facebook, looking for dark memes that make me giggle and Facebook, no doubt overhearing me talk about diets through someone’s phone, decided I needed to see this ad for high protein, low carb, plant-based ramen.

I’m 8 weeks into my diet and I miss ramen. Instant ramen. Maruchan chicken flavored, specifically. So I look at the calories of this Immi stuff and while I would not classify it as low calorie, it is 310 calories per package as opposed to the 380 calories of my go to Maruchan. As stated in the ill-fated Andouille Potato post, anything can fit into a low-calorie diet if you’re willing to pay the price.

Speaking of paying the price, let’s go ahead and address that. Remember, this is my experience and what I think about it. By the time all was said and done, I paid a total of $82.99 for 12 packages of ramen ($6.92 each).

They do this thing where the usher you into the Variety Pack 1 (Blak Garlic “Chicken”, Spicy “Beef”, Tom Yum “Shrimp”) for $39 plus shipping. Then, at checkout, they offer you Variety Pack 2 (Roasted “Pork” Tonkotsu, Creamy “Chicken”, Spicy Red Miso) with free shipping. I figured, “What the hell? In for a penny, in for a pound.” and agreed, thinking I would get free shipping on both packages. Oh, hell no. Only on the second variety pack. Fuckers. “Ok, ya’ll got me. Well played.”, I thought. “That’s just the sort of online petty fraud I’ve come to expect from this era.”

Now, regardless of whether I agree with all the people on Facebook talking about how this shit is the Jesus Christ of instant noodles, I would not be a buyer again because of the ordering process and post ordering process. Fool me once, shame on you.

I can deal with the upselling, but what I can’t deal with is all the emails after. Or the saccharin sweet “Hey, join our fanbase.” bullshit they push. Yeah, I know, that’s how they market to young people, but I’m a grumpy, anti-collectivist adult and I don’t want to be a part of the “Great High Protein Noodle Co-op”. This is not the Grateful Dead or ICP. It’s fucking overpriced hippy noodles targeted at people with more money than sense. Paying too much for noodles is not something I’m proud of. It is not a badge of honor. I’ve unlocked no achievements. Being part of a group of other people who fell for it does not make me feel better.

You know, back in the ‘80’s when people had too much money, they bought cocaine. Now it’s noodles. My local retailer sells Maruchan ramen for $0.31 per pack. So doing some quick math, I could buy 267 packages of ramen for what I spent. I swear to never give Jack shit again for trading that cow for magic beans.

OK, so that bit of unpleasantness is behind me. It’s time to talk about the actual product.

I have a general rule I use when trying new things. Always try it 3 times, in case you had a bad experience the first two. Now that sounds a bit like I’m desperate to enjoy something but it’s actually based on patterns and trends. One experience does not indicate other potential experiences. Neither do two. At best, each trial will cancel each other out and you need a tie breaker. One of two does not start a trend. Two of three does. Hence, three trials

The problem with this particular review is those goddamned variety packs. Two of every flavor. So, I had to split this down into common variables. The Noodles themselves, which should be the star of the show, and the soup bases. That’s a little more fair.

I admit I was really excited to try these noodles. While not exactly fitting into my low-calorie lifestyle, budget or personal philosophy, I could make it work if they were worth it. I was very hopeful.

I made the first batch of noodles. They give you two options: for chewy noodles, boil the fuck out of them for 6 minutes, for softer, go for 8. I prefer chewy in my cost effective ramen. I won’t eat them if they get the slightest bit gummy. I’ve mentioned in previous outings, I have very well defined texture requirements. It’s not a fetish. More of a paraphilia. Anyhoo, I opted for chewy for the first go around.

The noodles, cooked for six minutes (chewy), and tasted like someone wanted to make very sturdy, Cheerio flavored soba and started with high quality card stock and some old rubber bands. I can’t really describe the flavor but I did detect notes of desolation and crushed dreams. Not a favorable experience.

The soup base, this time the shrimp was really quite lovely. The bonus being that there was no actual shrimp involved so that unpleasant odor of regular shrimp flavored ramen was blessedly absent. They did a really good job of approximating the good parts of shrimp stock. The subtle sweetness, the flavor of the sea, passing across the olfactory senses, teasing them and then a bit of coconut. Very nice.

But despite all the effort of the shrimp base, they could not make those noodles worthwhile.

I was perplexed. All these people on the internet who I’ve never met and have no reason to trust recommended this shit. What the hell were they thinking. It started to explain why they were adding so much other shit to this ramen (eggs of various sorts, herbs, spices, meat). Something had to make it worthwhile. So as I’m reading all these comments after a not inconsequential investment, I started to have doubts about myself. Why do all these people love this shit when my first experience was so bad, I don’t want to have the other two times? What’s wrong with me?

I’m going to pause for a second and consider that. You might want too as well. “Well, if the Internet says it’s good, it must be.”

Not.

Now I can’t prove this because I don’t know any of those people and have no data but ll these people, myself included, fell for the hype and bandwagonned accordingly. I don’t know if they fell for it the same way I did, but I do know my logical fallacies and my modern groupthink. There are advantages to being a jaundiced recluse. From my position, it had to be “sunk cost fallacy” at play. Oh, and good old fashioned embarrassment. I also realize I was projecting a bit and it was that realization that made me give it another try.

For the next round, I decided to go the full 8 minutes on the noodles, following the directions to the letter. The shrimp base was just as good as before and the noodles were slightly less offensive and I could get used to them. I wouldn’t say enjoy. I told myself the same thing I tell my wife when I miss the mark culinarily. “It’s diet food. Judge it from that perspective. You’re going to have to allow for a little bit of suck.”

I thought on this and the groupthink, the sunk cost fallacy, my being butthurt over spending so much and seriously questioned my objectivity in this matter.

I had done two trials. The first was noodles negative, base pretty damned good. The second was noodles less negative made better with the diet rationalization, base was still pretty damned good. I knew I needed to do another trial just to be fair, but I was out of shrimp. I have to take the base out of the equation but before I do, I went with the spicy beef for the next trial. I gotta say, while it didn’t taste much like beef, being comprised of plant based beef approximations, it was really tasty. Makes me wish they sold their flavoring separately. In full disclosure, I don’t know that they don’t. I also don’t know that I would purchase from them based on past experience. “Would you like to spend a lot of money and join our plant-based powder cult? Everybody’s doing it.” No.

That leaves noodles. For the third trial, I cooked the shit out of them again (full boil for 8 minutes) and I must be used to them. While they are still not what I would call “good”, they are passable. Not $6.92 per package passable, but I would eat them if they were free and I had enough calories available for that day. That’s it. That’s my review. My opinions are mine. If Facebook is any indication, I’m certain I standalone, but that’s not new territory for me. Buy it. Don’t buy it. Eat what you dig. You shouldn’t be listening to some nobody on the internet anyhow. He could be a shill for Maruchan, afterall. Or he could be part of the O’Noodle Irish Mob. Think about it.