OK. I’m changing the rules. I’m not doing this to fudge the numbers. In fact, the numbers look worse from this side of the change but if I learned anything as a project managing corporate douche it’s that you are obligated to fuck with things once the project is under way. It’s called “Monitoring and Controlling”. In very quick terms what it means is when a project kicks off, you, as the project manager, are obligated to keep track of how things are going and then make course corrections as necessary. So that’s what I’m doing and that’s how I’m rationalizing it. I feel dirty just thinking about it. And because I’m already dirty with project management terms and methodology, I’m going to shift from PMI rules and get really down with the pigs and talk scrum.

Thanks to “The Stall”, I took more than a couple days off; the entire week actually. Here’s how it happened. I grabbed things and put them in my face hole. No. That’s not it. I was focused on “The Stall” and at my irritation with it showing up the way it did. Knowing it was coming was one thing, but it threw off my schedule and plan and that’s the sort of thing that just makes me crazy.

I was trying to take a nap – I’m a big believer in naps – and as my mind wandered while trying to drift off, I had the notion of dealing with the irritation of the Stall by just accounting for it. Planning for it. Scheduling it. And my “Sprint Diet” was born. The plan is to go hot and heavy on the 1300 calories per day for five weeks, then, on the sixth week, calculate my new base metabolic rate to maintain my new weight as though that was where I had decided to stay and eat accordingly. The goal is to account for the Stall while allowing my body to adjust to the weight it’s lost, and give me a week to cook and film food that doesn’t suck. It’s a less brutal approach and gives me content for the site. It always comes back to that.

It’s hard to be specific at this very moment as I don’t have an accurate weigh-in for today. There’s no way in hell I weigh 270 lbs. I didn’t eat that much over the last week. Just wasn’t feeling it, honestly. I figure I’m hauling a lot of solid waste right now. Depending on how desperate I am for numbers to begin this thing I may hit the Walgreen’s and pick up some magnesium citrate to blow out the pipes. That’s dangerous because I’m also planing on walking a couple miles this afternoon. I’ll tell you what, let’s do this. Let’s assume I weigh 265 lbs, even, right now. That means I can make the following projections:

I don’t know if I’ll do Sprint 4 or not. It depends on how creepy I look at 217.5. I don’t always look very healthy below 220. We shall see.

Oh, it’s also worth noting I have changed scales as well. It was an aesthetic decision. Not sure I like what the new one has to say. Did ya’ll know bathroom scales have bluetooth bullshit now? That’s right one more damn app to download. I can hardly wait.

Not that I will comply. Damn few things really need a phone app. Fight the power.